Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
