Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
