I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
