I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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