New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
