I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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