He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
