Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
