I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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