and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
