That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize