If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
