1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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