I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
