she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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