if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
