he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
