I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize