i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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