why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
