It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize