you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
