im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
