please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
