M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
