The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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