Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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