So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
