I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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