areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize