Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize