This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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