My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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