"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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