now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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