I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
