Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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