I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Your cock deserves a montage
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
