just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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