ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
