then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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