I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
