he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
