I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
