i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
