Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
