I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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