I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
