he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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