Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize