can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
