I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
