you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
