I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
