At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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