i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
