is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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