He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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