I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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