we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
