my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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