Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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