he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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