i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
