I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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