I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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