my sisters under your porch take her home
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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