Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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