mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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