im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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